by William Michaelian
And on the eighth day God was bored, so He created television. After watching awhile, He said, Jeez, this is really bad. Then He fell asleep, because He was still tired from creating the world. When He woke up, His television was gone. Great, He said. Now what?
Well, as it turned out, Satan stole God�s TV while He was asleep and sold it to this couple named Adam and Eve, who were just starting out. I�ve got a great deal for you, Satan told Eve before Adam had come home from his job naming wild animals. Take a look at this. Ooooh, Eve said. How much do you want for it?
Later, when Adam came home, he was beat. What�s for supper? he said. He went into the kitchen, but Eve wasn�t there. Instead, he found her plopped down on the couch in the living room, looking at a strange flashing box. When he asked her what it was, she stared at the box and didn�t answer.
What are they doing? Adam said, dipping into Eve�s popcorn. I haven�t the slightest idea, Eve replied. But it looks like fun. By the way, we�re out of beer. Adam sat next to Eve. He, too, became mesmerized by the tantalizing images flashing on the screen in front of them. He quickly forgot his hunger.
Why are you looking at me like that? Eve said awhile later. Adam smiled. I�ve been so busy naming animals, he said, I don�t think I�ve ever really noticed you. You look nice. Suddenly finding herself the center of her husband�s attention, Eve blushed. For lack of something better to say, she told Adam she�d planted some petunias.
For the rest of the evening, they watched the television Satan had stolen from God. In just a few hours, they found out there was far more to the human anatomy than God had let on. That, and there were several new gadgets they�d seen advertised, and now both desperately wanted.
That night, God went out for a smoke in the Garden of Eden. What a life, He said to Himself, looking up at the stars. Still, it�s a living. Then He strolled past Adam and Eve�s place. When he saw their light still on, He looked in their window. Much to His surprise, He found them wrestling on the floor in front of his TV set.
Right off the bat, God recognized the work of his evil arch-enemy, Satan. That son of a bitch has ruined everything, He said. A whole week�s work, down the drain. Without knocking, God opened Adam and Eve�s front door, walked into their living room, and clicked off the TV.
You will have to be punished, He told the couple after prying them apart. After all, I have an image to uphold. Adam, for the rest of your life, you�re going to be stuck paying for the stuff you ordered on your credit card. Eve, in addition to cleaning up after the kids, you will be forced to attend meetings and watch daytime television.
On His way home, God ran into Satan at the Tower of Babel Saloon on the corner of Toidy-toid and Toid. Don�t think you�re going to get away with it, He said. You owe me big time. Satan laughed. I feel so threatened, he hissed. What�re you going to do, spank me?
This sent God into a rage. After downing several shots of tequila, he stormed out of the bar. All right, He said, that�s it. They asked for it. Standing in the intersection, He opened his arms to the heavens and it started to rain. Thirty-nine days later, it was still raining. On the fortieth day, He said, Okay, that ought to do it.
After the water had subsided, God went to check on Noah. He found him drunk as a skunk at the foot of Mt. Ararat, watching not one, but two TVs. How can this be? God asked Noah. Just then, two doves with olive branches in their beaks flew out of Noah�s beard. Two of everything, Noah said. Remember? That�s what you said.
It was pretty much downhill from there. Ham and Japheth ordered big-screen TVs, as did their children, and their children�s children, and their children�s children�s children. Within a few generations, everyone was keeping track of sports, the weather, and the latest wars on CNN.
At that point, God did the only logical thing there was left to do. He retired, moved to Florida, and left His Son the business. All in all it�s been a good life, He said during a recent interview with Larry King. Still, if I had it to do over again, I think I�d skip the TV. The Kid, though, He disagrees. He says it�s great for publicity.
William Michaelian�s newest releases are two poetry collections, Winter Poems and Another Song I Know, published in paperback by Cosmopsis Books in San Francisco. His short stories, poems, and drawings have appeared in many literary magazines and newspapers. His novel,
A Listening Thing, is published here in its first complete online edition. For information on Michaelian�s other books and links to this site�s other sections, please go to the Main Page or visit Flippantly Answered Questions.