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by William Michaelian |
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You know what? I’m tired of being funny. For years, all I’ve done is joke around and make people laugh. The result? No one takes me seriously. When I try to make an important point, all I get are smiles. I’m sick of smiles. People look stupid when they smile. I don’t want to see their teeth and gums. I’m not a horse trader. I long for a wrinkled brow or a pursed lip. A frown would be ecstasy. But, no. Ha-ha, they say. Ha-ha-ha. That’s a good one. Oh-ho-ho. Idiots. Dopes. From here on in, no jokes. No wry witticisms. A play on words? Forget it. I’m finished. Let someone else be the clown. He’s right, you know. You can’t blame the poor guy. All he wants is a little respect. Is that too much to ask? So give him a break. Lay off the laughter. Show him your gloomy side. There’s plenty to be miserable about. Everywhere you turn, things are bad. The world is a sour mess. A rotten lemon. A boil on the universe’s back-side. No, I disagree. It’s his own fault. He’s the one who’s been funny for years. What are we supposed to do, turn our emotions on and off like a faucet? If he wants to be miserable, fine. But he should do it on his own time. Excuse me? That’s a rather selfish attitude. Have you considered putting yourself in his shoes? It’s easy for you to sit there, waiting for him to make you laugh. Making people laugh is hard work. If you don’t believe me, try it sometime. One day of it will make an old man out of you. Look at all the dried-up comedians out there. The funnier they are, the more they look like a corpse. Bah! We’re not talking about a comedian, we’re talking about a guy we know. Ralph isn’t a pro. He doesn’t have to get up in front of an audience knowing he’ll be fired if he bombs. Jeez, that makes a lot of sense. What. I suppose you know better? Damn right, I do. Ralph is under a lot of pressure. If you weren’t so spoiled and selfish, you would realize how unhappy he is. For instance, did you know he just lost his job? Or that his wife is sick? No, of course not. You’ve been too busy laughing at his jokes. Well, for your information, they’re not jokes. They’re a cry for help. Wait a minute, wait a minute. Are we talking about the same Ralph here? I know Ralph. He doesn’t have a care in the world. You can believe that if you want. But if you do, it will be at Ralph’s expense. To me, it’s obvious. He’s about to crack. I think he needs professional help. Professional help? Really? You think it’s that serious? Yes, for once, I think it is. Ralph is struggling. He has problems. Problems that can’t be solved by telling a joke. What are we going to do? We can’t force him to go to the doctor. No, you’re right there. Wait. Here he comes. Ralph? How’s it going, buddy? Who the hell are you? And who are the rest of you? What are you doing here in my head? What’s going on, anyway? Don’t worry, Ralph. We’re here to help. You’re here to what? Help. We want to help you, old pal. It’s the least we can do, after all you’ve done for us. Done for — what the? — I don’t even know you, for crying out loud. Sure, Ralph. It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend anymore. We understand. We care. Right, boys? Don’t we care about good old Ralph, here? Hubbub hubbub, rrrrrrr, mumble mumble mumble. There. See? Whoa. Freaky. I’m telling you, just when you think you’ve got a handle on things, something weird happens. Okay. All right. Every one of you? Out. I don’t have time for this nonsense. Go have your convention somewhere else. But, Ralph, we — Out! And that’s it, doctor. That’s all I can tell you. They come and go. If it lasts much longer, I think I’ll go bats. I’ve got news for you, Ralph. You’ve already made the trip. I have? Tell me, doc. How was it? Did I have any fun? Yes and no, my friend. Yes and no. William Michaelian’s newest releases are two poetry collections, Winter Poems and Another Song I Know, published in paperback by Cosmopsis Books in San Francisco. His short stories, poems, and drawings have appeared in many literary magazines and newspapers. His novel, A Listening Thing, is published here in its first complete online edition. For information on Michaelian’s other books and links to this site’s other sections, please go to the Main Page or visit Flippantly Answered Questions. |
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