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by William Michaelian |
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Greetings! We interrupt this important advertisement to bring you the following news: The president says he will seek another trip to the bathroom. You can’t buy beer, he quipped earlier today at a snooze conference, you can only rent it. And now back to our regularly scheduled programming. Are you tired discouraged depressed broke hungry worried full of hatred menopausal suicidal tired of your job unfulfilled in need of a new car uncertain about your future trying to find a better way thinking about a vacation unable to make your house payments tired of eating the same thing every day constipated plagued by crab grass in the mood for a pizza ready for a change earning what you are worth in today’s job market seeking revenge dead and don’t know it alive and don’t care wondering where to go for your anniversary or a victim of circumstance who has never done a thing wrong but has had everything done to you? Why put up with it? Why not do what millions of others have done? For $19.99 operators are standing by for $19.99 you will get absolutely nothing for $19.99 and that’s not all for $19.99 act today and you will also receive absolutely nothing but hurry because supplies are limited. Right, Tom? Right, Sally. You know, I was skeptical myself at first I when I read their claims but then I found out they were all true I couldn’t believe how much it changed my life so why don’t you call now and have your credit card handy because for $19.99 all of your problems will be solved or your money back remember this is a limited-time offer so don’t sit there picking your nose looking like a dope rotting on the couch being the cretin you are thinking you have a life because you don’t there is no way you do so just forget it forget living without our life-changing life-rearranging life-affirming product. Your attention span I mean life is too short for us not to have your money what are you going to do spend it on your kids that’s a laugh or on something stupid like food or medicine or an education just perish the thought because you’re hopeless anyway look at you crimony what a loser but you know as I’ve always said, Sally, it’s never too late. I agree, Tom. You couldn’t have said it better although we should also mention our payment plan why pay $19.99 when you can pay $9.99 a day for the rest of your life it’s really simple to have it deducted from your credit card or checking account without batting an eye you won’t know what hit you and you can teach your kids how to manage their finances at the same time which reminds me we do have a really really really special special special unique unique unique offer if you are one of the first ten callers you and your family can possibly but not too likely win a trip to Mindlessworldparkunderwatersafari for a once in a lifetime adventure and ride in a plastic canoe with the Three Tenors while they sing row row row your boat in Italian English and Spanish with tuxedos on without an ounce of pride or a shred of embarrassment so what in the world are you waiting for the number is on your screen and permanently etched into your circuitry so don’t bother trying to resist the sooner you give in the sooner we can move on and sell you something else because our warehouse is full of other fine products waiting to be delivered to your door plus shipping and handling and various other charges we won’t divulge until our accountants give us the go-ahead which could be quite a while since they’re all in jail but as I’ve always said, Tom, there’s a new accountant born every minute. Right, Sally, and as I’ve always said, a new lawyer as well chuckle chuckle wink wink — William Michaelian’s newest releases are two poetry collections, Winter Poems and Another Song I Know, published in paperback by Cosmopsis Books in San Francisco. His short stories, poems, and drawings have appeared in many literary magazines and newspapers. His novel, A Listening Thing, is published here in its first complete online edition. For information on Michaelian’s other books and links to this site’s other sections, please go to the Main Page or visit Flippantly Answered Questions. |
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